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I was in a foul mood today

Before I went to bed last night, I felt overwhelming sadness about losing my dad. He passed away a couple of years back and as distressing as that was, some days are still worse than others. If anything will result in very little nights sleep, it is just that.

I got out of bed today in a very rare, angry/foul mood. Not aimed at anyone and not inflicted upon anyone either. Little things would get me very wound up and any inconvenience large or small would result in a grunt through gritted teeth. On top of this, tics from my case of Tourettes would be all the more apparent, as if I am being punished for wanting to relax. That is how it works, in my experience anyway.

I can accept that this is who I am when I am not made to believe I was created specifically to go through such days of darkness. I can’t hate nature if it isn’t intentionally testing me or wanting to watch me suffer. I have a problem when I am told that there is a God that could help but doesn’t. The excuse for this is irrelevant. For those that are content with having difficult days because one day soon God will reward you and show you the light, I seriously question your logic. 

It would be like me punching a kid in the face before rewarding that kid with sweets. Would I expect the victim to walk away smiling because the punch was justified? No. And that is because it wasn’t.

The sad thing is, the kid in my analogy has more self respect than the adults I share reality with.

2 replies »

  1. I appreciate your blog. I appreciate being able to come to understand you better, by way of what you share. I can certainly understand your anger and frustration. Seeing it from your view I certainly agree that’s a crap deal. I get the impression you’ve been given some crap platitudes as a means of trying to make you feel better–as if that would. I’m sorry both for the loss of your dad and for the ailment you deal with. Sometimes this life does seem rather crappy. Again, I’m sorry.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you, I’m glad you enjoy reading. And don’t worry, it’s not your fault 🙂 plus there are endless numbers of people going to much worse that I have to take into consideration…

      Like

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